Lyn's Loser Legion
by Life Returns
Summary: This is a Fire Emblem fic in which the group is extremely dysfunctional. Will Lyn's group EVER cooperate long enough to get things done? Thank you to FEtoatalfan9 for the title.


Alright, here is my Fire Emblem fic…it's entitled "Needs a Title." I can never come up with good titles. If anyone has any ideas…please share them. Anyway, here's a list of people and their personalities. Lyn seems to be caught in eternal PMS; Florina cries often for no reason; Erk is rather gloomy; Lucius has a strange obsession with healing people even though the timeline currently (Lyn's story) would make it impossible for him to do so; Sain just wants to have fun; Wil is rather uncaring and neutral on almost everything; Wallace feels he is invincible and loves war; Kent is a boring old hack; Serra wants to make money; Dorcas is that person who is always trying to show you a picture of his wife; Nils is the peacemaker; Matthew is a rude, vulgar kleptomaniac; and Rath feels as though he is surrounded by idiots (because he is) and wants to kill himself to get out of it.

It was a moderately beautiful day, since it was a blizzard and it was freezing cold and other blizzardy things were happening, but other than that it was rather nice out.

Rath returned from hunting for rabbits unsuccessfully. _Serra's going to complain again. Dammit. Maybe I could fake my own death and never come back._

"HI, RATH!" screamed a sudden loud voice.

"Oh, great."

Sain dismounted and said happily, "So you couldn't find anything huh? Well that's too bad. I mean Wil found something and he didn't even try."

"Shut up."

"Oh so now you're jealous? Well I can see how you'd be jealous, especially since Wil is a bit of a boring person."

"What does that have to do with anything?"

"Um…you know, I have no idea."

Rath sighed. "I have no time to waste on idiots like you." Spurring his horse on, he left Sain chatting in the snow.

It took a moment for Sain to realize that he was left behind. "Hey…Rath! Come back! Come back! Why have you left me? I'll die!"

"Good!" came the faint reply.

Sain stared in the direction Rath went. "He's so mean. Oh I almost forgot!" He picked up a rock. "I need a new pet rock."

Meanwhile, back at a recently abandoned village, Lyn screamed at the top of her lungs, "WHERE THE HELL IS THAT BASTARD RATH!"

Florina started to cry. "Please don't yell so loud…it hurts my ears…"

Erk said quietly, "We will all die."

Kent said in a stiff tone, "Well, I suppose we all will eventually."

"Not me! I'm immortal!" declared Wallace. "BWAHAHAHAHA!"

Wil hit him with his bow. "Shut up, moron."

"Why don't you ALL shut up?" hissed Lyn.

Serra said to Nils, "Hey, I'll buy that flute from you."

"What?"

"If I buy it from you, I could sell it again at an insane price that only really desperate people would pay."

Nils blinked. "What?"

"Never mind, kid, never mind."

Erk said, "Haven't any of you ever felt the cold hand of death grasp your shoulder?"

Everyone except Wil looked vaguely disturbed.

"I have. It's rather pleasant," said Wil, shrugging.

Everyone stared at him.

"Hey look, it's Rath!" said Nils.

"You good-for-nothing loser! Did you bring back anything?"

"Couldn't find anything."

Lyn's eye twitched. Dorcas sighed and held her back. "You didn't FIND anything? What the hell kind of nomad are you? How dare you show such insolence! I can't believe you would—"

Florina started to cry.

"Shut up!" yelled Matthew. "I'm gettin' pissed off at hearing you cry at the drop of a freakin' hat!"

Sain galloped in. "Hello everybody! I found a new pet rock! Do you know what time it is?"

"Sain's Ultra Happy Uber Fun Time Yippee?" guessed Rath.

"Yep!"

"Damn. I hate it when I'm right." Rath looked around. "Dorcas…"

"Yeah? Wanna see my wife?"

"…No. Will you kill me?"

"Of course not!"

"Wallace, will you kill me?"

"It really depends on the reason, you see! If you were at war with us like the brigands…"

"I joined the brigands," said Rath quickly.

"Say what?"

"I'm their spy."

Erk looked at him. "I always knew you couldn't be trusted. I could tell. Your aura was full of darkness and blood."

"Um, yeah. That's me," said Rath. "So I should die, right?"

"Of course not!"

Rath stared at Wallace in disbelief. "Why not?"

"Because, you see, you've admitted your sin and St. Elimine will bless you," said Lucius.

"Shut up, you idiot. I wasn't asking you."

Lucius looked at Nils. "Your arm is scratched."

"Is it?"

"Yes. Can I…" He twitched. "…Can I heal it?"

"Um…ok…"

"NO, DON'T!" yelled everybody except Wil.

Wil sighed. "Yeah…I don't really care…"

Sain was talking to Erk with hand puppets. "Hewwo Erk!" said a puppet that looked like Serra. "Hewoo Serra!" said a puppet that looked like Erk.

(The following will be played out in script format)

S(erra) P(uppet): Do you want to play tag?

E(rk) P(uppet): OKAY!

SP: Tag, you're it!

EP: Dammit!

SP: Ha ha ha ha ha I win!

(Back to original format now…I apologize for any inconvenience)

Erk, who had been twitching like a madman now, burned the puppets to a crisp. Sain looked at them and screamed, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Dorcas smiled. "Who wants to see my wife?"

"I don't," said Matthew rudely. "She's ugly."

Kent said, "Actually, his wife is rather attractive for someone her age."

"Stop being boring, ya old fart!" said Sain happily.

"You sure cheered up fast," said Nils.

"Well of course!"

Erk said gloomily, "Don't be happy. Happiness is an illusion."

Rath screamed, "Someone shoot me!"

"Okay!" said a random enemy archer. He shot, but Rath's horse ran out of the way. "Noooooooooooooooooo!"

"Great…alright, who wants to look for food now?"

Review please! You can flame me if you wish, but I'm still gonna post! Muhaha!


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